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???Help me with my band perdicament!

Started by Bunky Macbeth, October 06, 2003, 06:01 PM

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Bunky Macbeth

this friday there is a jam session.  My "band" is signed up to play which brings me to this perdicament.

My guitarist and I have been friends for a while and we played a few shows in the past and had a great time.  
This gutarist i shall call Mike used to be really nice and we had mutual respect for eachother.  Then he kinda started to be cocky about music and such but i shrugged it off and didn't worry about it.  

Then we picked up a bassist i shall call steve and practiced and thats when it happened.  Mike started to be soooo condescending towards me and often acted like such a bastard i didn't want to be in a band with him.  However, to save the friendship I didn't have the guts to tell him to f off.

Then We had a terrible recording session where mike told me i sucked and he and Steve made fun of me like i wasn't even in the room.  I left without even finishing recording and have not practiced with them for the last month or so.

Now Mike and Steve want to play a show on Friday with me.  Should i tell them i don't wanna or go and play the show.  Keep in mind we haven't practiced and would be making everything up as we go.


???




MOUSE

It is a only a jam session, not a gig where you are entertaining an audience but oneself.
If it were me i would play and give it your best shot as it is a good learning step being involved in jam sessions and playing wth other musicians. My experience with jam sessions is the band may start it off but during the gig many other guest muso's will come and go from the stage (including the drummer) with their input to "whatever happens next".
What matters more is the relationship you have with your band members/ friends. If you want to continue playing with them you should organise quickly to have a discussion where you can diplomatically state that you are a part of the team and you would like that respect. You need to know where you stand . Could be they may not realise they are causing you grief and if you let them know you are not happy it will get it off your chest. Keep an open mind and avoid any blame scenario's. If they don't like what you do they need to be honest and let you know to your face. How can one learn if the mistake is not pointed out.Whatever the outcome be it stay or go or get sent you will be more comfortable hopefully and your playing will improve as you have lost that tension from  inside.
Hope this helped and you get something resolved peacefully, don't give up?
Phew...How much an hour do shrinks get?

Mark Schlipper

I wouldnt play.  Id tell 'em what you think.  That you think they treated you shabbily and that you arent interesting in playing with people who treat you that way.

Bands are relationships just like any other.  If you started dating someone and they walked all over you and insulted you, youd probably dump 'em right?  Why put up with it in a band.  If all goes well in a band youll be spending many hours a day and week with these people.   Those little things will come up again and get worse.  

Bart Elliott

I wouldn't have anything to do with them unless they come to you and apologize ... specifically to the offenses you experienced.

Why are they asking you to play if they think you "suck"?
Sounds like they just need someone to fill the drum chair. I could never share the stage with someone that did that to me. They were very disrespectful of you as a person; no one deserves that kind of treatment.

The spoken word can bring healing or harm. The fact that you are relaying this story to us is evidence enough; you were hurt by their words. You need to forgive them for their stupidity ... but also, should not subject yourself to further abuse.

Do you really think you'll enjoy playing with these guys again, knowing what they think about you? Is jamming with them going to be THAT rewarding? If your livelihood does not depend on this gig on Friday ... I wouldn't do it. If you will make money, and need that money to pay your rent ... then that's another story ... for now.

Surround yourself with individuals who are going to be a positive influence in your life.

drumwild

I'm with Bart on this. Why share a stage with those who don't respect you? If you do it, their words will be in the back of your mind the whole time. You won't enjoy the performance.

They need to either address the problem or find someone else.

Tony

Yeah, what they said.  If you continue on with these guys, chances are they will will continue their mistreatment of you.  Either confront them with the attitude you;re willing to work it out, or walk.

Big-Skittle

Bunky don't give them the satisfaction. There will always be jam sessions to be had. Come on man! For someone who's supposed to be your friend sure isn't acting like it. If you wanna maintain your friendship then confront him. But as far as keeping a musical relationship going I would probably think twice. Look for other people to play with. They're not the only ones out there.

stumpy-p

Sorry dude, but you can find better friends and bandmates than that. I've been in bands with guys I consider "great" or "best" friends. Never again. If things go south, you lose a band and a friend. It's just not worth it. There's a delicate balance, and it's a thin line, but mixing business and friendships is risky voodoo. If it was me and I really cared about my friendship with "Mike" I'd say "I quit, because I like you, and I want to keep it that way."

BBJones

First thing I would do is confront your "friend" about it.

I wouldn't make any assumptions about why he is acting differently that he used to even though he is sounding like an ass that doesn't deserve your respect or company.

That conversation should decide whether you play or not.

Sounds to me like you have grounds to just drop the whole thing and not bother explaining to them or anyone why you don't want to associate with them.  But, at the same time you are expressing interest in trying to save the friendship.  How hard you should try is up to you but best advice I can give is get everything out in the open, don't hold back on anything you say and make sure you are looking out for your own interests FIRST.

Sometimes people don't realize they are being an ass and you have to tell them.  Some won't care and will continue to be an ass, some will care and thank you for being honest with them.

At least if you do try to bring all of this up with your buddy, you can make an informed decision knowing you did what you could.  No regrets...

random

yeah, a guitarist friend of mine did almost the exact same thing to me.  it's no fun at all.  i'd play, but figure out how to get revenge on them.

"OOPS!  my bass pedal broke!"

Roger Beverage

I would just tell them that I will be out of town auditioning people for my new band. ;)

Roger

dogxray

Can't get in the groove with people I don't respect.

groovsmyth

Like Kenny Rogers said, "You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run."

Knowing when to walk away from a situation mostly has to do with knowing yourself - the more you respect yourself, the better you'll treat yourself. As has already been said, if financial need enters into it, you may be able to justify enduring for the sake of paying the rent. Sometimes, even financial need doesn't justify the hit that your art will suffer. Drumming involves attitude to drive the groove and kick the band. If your psyche suffers from subjecting yourself to a neurotic environment, no amount of money is worth that.

Life's too short. Rule of thumb - surround yourself with musicians who like drums and respect you as a person and as a musician. Modeling appropriate behavior to miscreants is a worthwhile endeavor, but know yourself well enough to know if the experience is dragging you down. Be attentive to signs that the message is not heard. Then it's time to shake the dust from your sandals and walk away.

ritarocks


Joe

Quote from: Bartman on October 07, 2003, 11:37 AM
Surround yourself with individuals who are going to be a positive influence in your life.

This cannot be stressed enough.

ModernDrummer

Yep. I think Bartman stated it about as well as can said.

You know the old adage about "Life's too short to dance with ugly women"? Well, that has NOTHING to do with this thread!

But a rephrasing of that to "Life's too short to play with 'ugly' (personality-wise) people" MIGHT be relevant.

Someone mentioned that "it's only a jam session", and that's true. On the other hand, it IS only a jam session. So, unless you're going to the jam session with the intention of meeting like-minded thinkers, why waste the time getting on stage with someone who thinks you "suck"? What, he wants you to "suck" in public? So what, he can show the world you suck?

From the sound of it, perhaps they can't find anyone else who would want to play with them, so they called YOU, even though you "suck" (NOT a judgement on MY part, btw).

We just recently let our guitarist go, admittedly an EXCELLENT guitarist, because for some weeks now he'd been bring his "Barstar" ego and attitude to the table, something he's contracted from playing an hour a night, two nights a week, 3 weeks a month with another local band to earn some extra money. Playing 6 HOURS (maximum, some months they don't play) a MONTH at small (50 people or less) clubs, and all of a sudden he's the next "Rockstar" headed for MTV's "Cribs"? Gimme a break. Got so bad, the bassist and lead singer refused to play or record with him, even though we were asked to do a demo for a record label.

Finally, I had to reluctantly ('cause the guitarist and I were best friends) agree with the bassist and lead singer. The guitarist had just become intolerable (NOT to me however, to be fair about it), and rather abusive to people (verbally), even to friends of the band. Our own audience! WTF!! So, as you might guess, we're on a bit of a hold, looking for the "right" guitarist.

Life's too short to play with ugly people...

JeepnDrummer

Bart summed up everything I was going to say, especially about surrounding yourself with people who will be a positive influence.  I remember when I was younger how I really wanted to be liked by certain people (cliques), but as I matured I realized these weren't the right folks for me to hang out with.  At first it was hard to accept rejection; after all, people inherently want to be liked/accepted.  I got to the place where I realized I don't have time to play games or be subjected to someone's cutting remarks.....I have better things to do!  I'd encourage you do the same and find people who will be real friends and encouragers.

Tom

windhorse

Well, it's the next week now,,,
What did you do?

Jay Northrop

My opinion...don't tell them anything.Just let them freak out and go nutty as to why you are not there.Its apparent they treated you like sh*t,so do the same to them.

dougstiers

Question: What do you think of them as players?