Topic: Groaners, Bad Jokes & Puns  (Read 35889 times)

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Tae

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Groaners, Bad Jokes & Puns
« Reply #120 on: January 18, 2006, 08:00 PM »
Oh lookey! I found another 'un! ;D



Subject: Tips From the Redneck Book of Manner




2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.



4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.



.




Aka sister, cousin, or Aunt.

Robyn

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Groaners, Bad Jokes & Puns
« Reply #121 on: January 19, 2006, 12:52 PM »
You just might be a redneck if...

you repeat yourself THREE TIMES!  :P


robby-lee

Tae

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Groaners, Bad Jokes & Puns
« Reply #122 on: January 19, 2006, 04:04 PM »
You just might be a redneck if...

you repeat yourself THREE TIMES!  :P


robby-lee

Oh oops I didn't realize that I did that. Fixed.

Robyn

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Groaners, Bad Jokes & Puns
« Reply #123 on: January 21, 2006, 09:23 PM »
This one always reminds me of the scene in "Animal House" when Kent Dorfmann goes up to the Delta brothers who are sitting at a table playing cards and cheerfully asks "You guys playing cards?" What a great movie!


Stupid people should have to wear signs that just
say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

 It's like before my wife and I moved from Texas to
California. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?"  "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

 A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

 I was watching one of those animal shows on the
Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

 Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he
said, "Tire go flat?"   I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

 We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign,
I could have stopped him.

Tae

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Re:Groaners, Bad Jokes & Puns
« Reply #124 on: January 22, 2006, 04:46 PM »
I was hungry one day and I opened the fridge and my mom said "your getting food again?" nope I just got hot and wanted to cool down a bit.(what I would of said If she wasn't my mother).

I would be nothing without my sweet sarcasm. :)

Robyn

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« Reply #125 on: January 29, 2006, 02:23 PM »
LETTER FROM A FARM KID, NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT.

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well.  Hope you are.  Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.  I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6am, but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things.  No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.  Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee.  Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.  We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us.  If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.

The sergeant is like a school teacher.  He nags a lot. The Capt. is like the school board.  Majors and colonels just ride around and frown.  They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.  I keep getting medals for shooting.  I don't know why  The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.  All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.  You don't even load your own cartridges.  They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys.  I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.  It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.  I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.  I only beat him once.  He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter, Gail.

Tae

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Groaners, Bad Jokes & Puns
« Reply #126 on: January 29, 2006, 03:05 PM »


Your loving daughter, Gail.

[move=left,scroll,6,transparent,100%]HAHA![/move] And all this time I thought it was a guy, good one Robyn!

Dave Heim

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Groaners, Bad Jokes & Puns
« Reply #127 on: February 03, 2006, 01:20 PM »
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional.  The questions are NOT that difficult.  But don't peek at the answer UNTIL you have answered the question yourself!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is:

Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.  This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.


2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer:
Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.  This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference.  All the animals attend... except one.  Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer:
The Elephant.  The elephant is in the refrigerator.  You just put him in there.  This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat.  How do you manage it?

Correct Answer:
You jump into the river and swim across.

Have you not been listening?  All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.  This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.  Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

Todd Norris

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Re:Groaners, Bad Jokes & Puns
« Reply #128 on: February 03, 2006, 05:49 PM »
Thanks.  I needed that.  Anyone know the number of a good preschool???

drumz1

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Groaners, Bad Jokes & Puns
« Reply #129 on: February 03, 2006, 06:12 PM »
FOR THOSE WHO ENJOY LANGUAGE (or Distortions, thereof)

a. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

b. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before

c. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

d. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

e. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris must be in Seine

f. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

g. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

h. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

i. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

j. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

k. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

l. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

m. Definition of a will: A dead give away.

n. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

o. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

p. If you don't pay your exorcist, you'll get repossessed.

q. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

r. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

s. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

t. Every calendar's days are numbered.

u. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

v. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

w. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

x. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

y. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

z. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

EXTRA: Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Regards,
drumz1

Robyn

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Groaners, Bad Jokes & Puns
« Reply #130 on: February 03, 2006, 10:20 PM »
Here's an actual drummer joke, told to me by my drum instructor:

Little Johnny comes running up to his mom, saying "Mommy! I want to be a drummer when I grow up!"  Mom replies, "Now, now Johnny--you can't do both!"

May we all be Peter Pans ;D

robyn

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Re: Groaners, Bad Jokes & Puns
« Reply #131 on: September 13, 2006, 12:47 PM »
This one crossed my desk today. . .

A scientific expedition disembarks from its plane at the final outpost of civilization in the deepest Amazon rain forest. They immediately notice the ceaseless sound of distant native drums.  As they venture further into the bush, the drums never stop, day or night, for weeks.  The lead scientist asks one of the natives about this, and the native's only reply is "Drums good. Drums never stop. Very BAD if drums stop."

The drumming continues, night and day, until one night, six weeks into the trip, when the jungle is suddenly silent.  Immediately the natives run screaming from their huts, covering their ears. The scientists grab one boy and demand "What is it? The drums have stopped!"

The terror-stricken youth replies "Yes! Drums stop! VERY BAD!"  The scientists ask "Why? Why? What will happen?"  Wild-eyed, the boy responds, " . . . BASS SOLO!!!"


Drumodad

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Re: Groaners, Bad Jokes & Puns
« Reply #132 on: October 12, 2006, 09:07 AM »
 This is from my guitarist/singer.
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is
hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day
promptly at 8:00 AM.
 
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's
door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is
backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The
Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men
march down to the factory floor.
 
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me
Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile
up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle
Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small
marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of
fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the
little package between Elmo's legs.
 
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .. "I'm sorry,"
he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you
misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to
give Elmo two test tickles.

chillman4130

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Re: Groaners, Bad Jokes & Puns
« Reply #133 on: October 12, 2006, 03:18 PM »
I hope these aren't repeats, but I couldn't go through all seven pages at once without groaning myself to death...

This first one you have to say aloud:

     Q: How many people are there in Brazil?

     A: A Brazilian of 'em!

And this may very well be my favorite joke of all time:

     A greyhound walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, did you know there's a cocktail     named after you?" The greyhound says, "There's a cocktail named Jeremy?"


Dave Heim

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Re: Groaners, Bad Jokes & Puns
« Reply #134 on: October 12, 2006, 03:25 PM »
My favorite Rodney jokes:

My wife's cooking is so bad. . .
The flies chipped in and fixed the hole in the screen door
At our house we pray after we eat

I'm so ugly. . .
When I was born the doctor slapped my mother
On Halloween my parents sent me out 'as is'

DRWM

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Re: Groaners, Bad Jokes & Puns
« Reply #135 on: October 12, 2006, 04:40 PM »
My wife sat down next to me on the couch and asked "What's on TV?"
I said "Dust".

I slept on the couch last night.

 

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